whirlwind.

it goes so fast. I thought I just updated this blog a few days ago, but it's almost been a month. I don't know why time goes so fast. and I don't know why life marches on, even when I request that it go slower.

it doesn't listen to me. life doesn't, that is. I constantly tell it to shape up. I constantly ask it to be untouched by sadness. I constantly tell it to look fine, to look alright, to not attract unwanted attention. I constantly ask that life stop pushing me so hard and let me be.

but you see, that means I've forgotten something important. it means that I forgot what life is meant for. it is meant as a testimony, and I forgot that. I forgot that my fumbled words and my imperfect actions give glory to someone who works through me in perfect grace. that when I stumble and fall and cry buckets of tears and admit that I'm not fine, that only then can my Father show His mercy.

here is the irony: I ask that my days be easy and quiet. and then I complain that I am bored. I ask that my words be perfect and smooth. And then I complain that I feel fake. I ask that my life be untouched by sadness. and then I complain that I feel untouched by happiness.

because this is life. and living, as God intended it to be, is sometimes unattractively noticeable; sometimes there are burdens and sadness; sometimes there are torrents of imperfect words and torrents of sadness. Because it is these precious moments that give way to moments of beauty, of peace, of gentleness and wisdom.

God makes us a vessel. He gently opens us up, to let His love show a little. And we scream and cry and plug up all the holes; we cover our face and close up our vessel. Don't let anyone see. Don't let anyone see that there is an imperfect being inhabited by a perfect God.

and there is pride. inability to let God show through our weaknesses. God requests this of you, that you let Him inside to change the dark, unknown parts of your soul that no man has ever seen. That you let Him within so that He may shine through.

You cannot yield fruit if you aren't willing to grow a little. to be pruned, tended, gardened. to be watched over by Someone who mended your very soul into existence. come to Him as a child would come: humble, trustful, expectant.

humble.

trustful.

expectant.

you are not alone; you are watched over by God. let Him work through your imperfections.